It’s funny how many things I can find to distract myself, to procrastinate when I know that I have a blog post (or two) bubbling up in me. I want to write. I love to write. I am grateful to be able to share my experiences and I am glad for the feedback that confirms I am providing support, comfort and guidance to those who read my posts. Then a few weeks ago, I stopped writing. I started to believe that I didn’t have anything of value to share. There is so much I am still learning and still find challenging with how my son’s situation continues to play out. I am certainly having some difficulty with acceptance, that’s for sure. And when my mind starts up with the old self talk and negativity, it can take right over.
So I waited, waited until it was time to write again. Waited until my mind got tired of ruminating over the same old patterns of not feeling good enough. I waited until I realized that what I really needed to do was to let go of it all. Not just of my lack of blog posts, the situation with my son, or the bumps in the road with relationships, work or physical challenges but all of it, the whole lot.
So over the past few days, I have been focusing on the word acceptance, wondering how to really let go and accept the situations and crises in life as they come. Even as things have settled down, into a new normal for now, I find it difficult to accept that, given the situation with my son’s illness, I could quickly find myself in the midst of crisis once again. The thought of this causes me anxiety and, dare I say, pain.
I recently read a quote that spoke of this type of “pain” being caused by having a life plan that “we” fall in love with but that doesn’t work out. What occurs as a result is anger because we are disappointed about having to start over again. The key, the author stated, is to not get too attached to any life plan but instead remain open to the possibility that there is something even better out there, waiting for us.
This level of acceptance has been a challenge for me. I struggled with it during the deepest, darkest moments of my son’s illness. I could not wrap my head around the fact that things were not playing out as I had dreamed they would, tying directly to the idea of not becoming too attached to any specific life plan. This becomes a bit overwhelming to me. I do know that if I am going to have peace and joy in my life, I really need to let go and accept that this journey is going to play out in wondrous, adventurous and beautiful ways that I cannot even fathom.
Wanting to get a better understanding of the meaning of acceptance, I looked up the definition. What I found was that in addition to being the act of accepting, one meaning is to have a belief in something, an agreement. This got me thinking; perhaps acceptance has to do with having an agreement with myself to trust that things are exactly as they are supposed to be.
I wonder if I am able to make this agreement, taking each thing that happens with ease and going with the flow. I wonder how I will find that place of peace and groundedness in the midst of a crisis. The only way to know is to start accepting things as they are and not as I want them to be. I can start with one step, one moment; I can start with this moment. Then I will focus on the next moment and the next. Eventually, I will be able to string a bunch of moments together and in time, perhaps, truly find a level of acceptance that makes the tough times a bit smoother.
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