Spring has finally sprung up here in the northeast USA. It has been a long, cold winter as it is every year. As much as I dislike the cold and grey days, it truly allows me to appreciate when winter breaks and spring arrives. There is a buzz that I feel, like I can actually sense the earth waking up and along with it a feeling of renewed hope, trust and excitement for life.
This restored spirit helps me to get back on track with my writing and my involvement within the mental health community. For those who have contacted me because my twitter account has been so quiet, thank you. I needed to take some time to handle some personal challenges, slow down and listen to what my next steps should be, especially around the direction of my blog. I am not sure that I have had any major epiphanies but I do feel that the time away allowed me to reenergize and realize that there is so much that I still have to share and much that I still need to heal.
Lately my thoughts have centered on my son’s journey; more specifically, around how I separate myself from his journey. One of the most challenging aspects of parenting, for me, is the realization that things don’t necessarily turn out the way they’re planned or envisioned. And when they don’t, it’s quite easy to blame ourselves even though it’s rarely due to some catastrophic failure as parents; most times it’s simply just the path our children choose to take.
What I have recently discovered is how often I find myself accepting responsibility for other people’s decisions and actions, especially my children. This is quite a revelation for me. Makes me wonder where along the line I learned that it was my “job” to own every choice everyone else makes. Now that I’ve recognized it, I seem to see it often and frequently I’ve been able to stop myself before I go too far down the road. This understanding has been key to helping me learn to how to separate my journey from that of my son and I believe it will allow me to provide support from a much healthier place.
As caregivers, it is critical that we find ways to create this separation. In cases, such as my son’s, where there is compromised mental health, there is often enough self blame to go around. Without a certain amount of separation, we may find ourselves owning up to the blame game and taking responsibility where we shouldn’t. Blaming ourselves doesn’t help anything. In fact, it will most often make things worse. It may even create scenarios where we as caregivers act in ways to “make up for our perceived faults” and in doing so, we can create situations where the accountability for working with treatments, programs and tools can be displaced. In other words, we can make it more difficult for our children or loved ones to see that they need to be accountable for their actions and their healing.
As difficult as it may be, by not accepting the blame and not taking responsibility for actions that belong to others, we can set the stage for the real work that needs to be done. There is great healing and great learning that comes from letting go.
Since it can be difficult, especially in the middle of a crisis, to recognize where we are intertwined in another’s journey, here are a few questions to consider that may help to better identify where we’re accepting responsibility that is not ours.
1. When an unhealthy decision is made or action is taken by another, do you immediately try to figure out what you did to cause it?
2. When you see a potential for negative consequences based on actions or attitudes of another, do you engage in debate or dispute of the decision or direction because you feel it’s your “job” to stop it before it occurs?
3. Do the actions of other people make you feel embarrassed because you believe it’s a negative reflection on you as a parent or caregiver and that it’s somehow your fault?
From my experience, if you are answering “yes” to any of the questions above, you may in fact be having difficulty separating your journey from theirs.
Of course, there are situations where safety is a concern and where we as caregivers do need to step in and take control. Outside of those situations, the more separation we can achieve from the journey, choices and actions of others the better we can position ourselves to support in a way that is healthier for all involved. And bonus, when we stop taking responsibility for those things that are not ours, we can more easily find ourselves on the path to forgiveness and healing.
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Thank you all for your support, your stories and your feedback!
Please feel free to email me your thoughts and recommendations to farfromparadiseblog@gmail.com.
You can always send me an email with any questions regarding this information or any other mental health system question/inquiry.
I’m also on Twitter @farfrmparadise
I answered yes to the three questions. I have always been like that, not only as a parent. It’s a heavy burden. As a child, I felt responsible for my parent’s and my sisters decisions, responsible for my schoolmates, for everyone. It has always made me feel guilty and as if I was never good enough.
Yes Nikky, me too! I realize I’ve been doing it as long as I can remember. And I agree, trying to live up to that “responsibility” is impossible because we cannot control the actions of others. How can anyone who does this feel good enough when successfully managing everyone else is impossible? It’s been a huge learning opportunity for me. Wishing you the best!!!
Such wisdom you have, thanks for this.. And even this can be applied to situations a little different, sometimes you need to separate yourself from their journey.
I agree, I think it applies across the board whether with our children, partners, family members or friends. Thanks for your feedback! Hope all is well!!
You’ve learned so much in your journey. My grandmother’s attitude about child rearing was that children are a gift on loan and parents can only guide, and love unconditionally. My parents are my lifeline, but only because they seperate themselves from my illness, love me even at my worst and remind me that my illness lies. I struggle with guilt around the idea that I am a burden, but I am not always sick so try to give my parents as much of myself as I can when I am well. I recognize they need to care for themselves as well and encourage them to. I am a 39-year old adult and am under the impression your son is young. I wish you strength, blessings and thank you for your honesty. Have been away from Twitter myself but am now ill and off work so have been spending more time on it. I have missed your blog posts, thank you for sending me this one.
Thank you for your comments! I appreciate your insights. My son is 18 and no matter what I will love him. He could never be a burden and always has my heart! Learning to love and support him from a healthier place has been such a gift. I’m still learning. Wishing you continued wellness and the knowing that you are loved and there is no burden in supporting our children, no matter what age. Welcome back, I look forward to seeing your tweets as well!
And I would add that if you rush to want to “fix” things for others or to give them the answers that clearly they need to know, you might have a separation issue from your journey and theirs. It’s a very fine line to walk between trusting and allowing them to have their own journey and loving and supporting them and sometimes the line moves or is hard to find at all. Thank you for your wisdom and insight… this is an ongoing learning for me, this “letting go.”
I wish you much peace and ease as you all find your way. I agree, sometimes it can be tough to know when it’s yours and when it’s theirs but letting go is a great step! Be well!
Amy, great wisdom and advice here. I think all of us find ourselves wanting to be a ‘fixer’ and especially when it comes to those we love. Understanding that we each choose our own path to follow for our evolution to a higher consciousness can be a very difficult concept when the helplessness we feel kicks in. It took me many years to realize this where my oldest son is concerned, and at times still struggle with it.
Clearing ourselves of owning someone else’s burdens and releasing the worry does make us more valuable as a support person. Thank you for a beautiful sharing.
Love and light!
Nikki
Amy, great wisdom and advice here. I think all of us find ourselves wanting to be a ‘fixer’ and especially when it comes to those we love. Understanding that we each choose our own path to follow for our evolution to a higher consciousness can be a very difficult concept when the helplessness we feel kicks in. It took me many years to realize this where my oldest son is concerned, and at times still struggle with it.
Clearing ourselves of owning someone else’s burdens and releasing the worry does make us more valuable as a support person. Thank you for a beautiful sharing.
Love and light!
Nikki
Amy, this really hit home now with my parents and their refusal over the past few months to accommodate my mothers illness and declining health. Their decisions are now too little, too late and I am feeling like I need to be the responsible one. You are so right when you say we can only navigate our own responses to it and not control decisions others make, even if we know they will be hurt. Right now, I am trying to offer support and suggestions, but I cannot function day by day feeling I must make the situation better for them. You are quite wise my friend!
Gail, Such challenging times. We want to do what is best for those that we love and yet, we cannot “make” them do something that they are not ready for; whether it’s our child or our parents. Sending you a big hug! Hang in there!