Photo provided by author
Clouds
What’s happened?
The skies were blue, the roads were clear…
And suddenly, it’s darkening.
Down to one lane, slowing,
darkness closing in.
Where did the road go?
Lost in a cloud,
no guideposts beyond a faint blinking light ahead.
Blindly inching forward,
trusting that somehow
we will get through,
that we’ll be ok,
that onward is the only choice.
But we can’t see…
One false move will throw us into the ditch,
too fast and our traction will fail,
too slow and we may get stuck,
unable to move.
So we clench and we shake
and we try to breathe
as we slowly inch forward.
How long will it last?
It’s heavier now,
coming faster than we can keep up with,
unable to clear,
unable to breathe,
unable to see.
Where are we?
How much further?
Can we endure?
Slipping, sliding,
gripping, grinding,
hoping, praying,
knowing somehow that this can’t be the end.
Boldly onward.
No way to turn back.
Is that a peek of brightness?
Yes, there’s hope!
We can see a little further now,
go a little more quickly,
gain a little more traction,
breathe,
slow the heart,
ungrip the wheel.
A light out of this cave – it really is.
And, then, as suddenly as it came on,
the darkness is lifted
and we’re back in the sun.
Smooth sailing…
until the next cloud.
That stretch behind us,
a brief moment in a much longer journey,
but so very powerful
in its terrifying grip.
Its memory still shakes us
long after we’re clear.
But, it’s bright now, sunny and bright.
We can release now
and sail again in joy,
in ease, in peace.
We all have cloud moments in our lives where we can’t see our way out, fearing that the darkness will never end… not trusting when it seems to be over. And, while for some situations there is no “over,” we are often unable to enjoy the moments of respite for fear that the cloud will once again descend unexpectedly, taking over our existence completely. When you are dealing with something as unpredictable as addiction or mental health, this is especially true.
I wrote this poem after we had an actual drive into and out of a snow cloud in the Tug Hill Region of NY – truly one of the most terrifying drives I’ve ever had. It was an important drive that we scheduled even though the forecast warned us off – we were on our way to bring our son home – there was no putting it off and we could only hope that we would live through it.
The first hour of the drive brought sunny skies and dry roads and we drove boldly forward into a cloud that loomed ominously before descending down onto the earth. As we watched the road rapidly disappear, being led only by the blinking lights of the truck in front of us, desperately hoping he’d stay on the road, we realized that exiting was more dangerous than going on. We shook. We prayed. And, we advanced forward slowly, knowing it was really our only option. Quitting was not a possibility, nor was turning around.
It was hard to believe when the sunshine peeked out after what felt like an eternity and we once again emerged onto dry roads and a scene that denied it had ever snowed at all. We tried to relax and enjoy that portion of the journey, knowing full well that all too soon we would be driving back into the snow cloud on the way home. There was no reasonable alternate route. Sometimes life is like that – you have to face head-on that which you fear and go forward anyway.
After we regained our breath and stopped shaking, my husband, Tom, recognized and gave voice to the metaphor that this experience was for our life of the past few years… seemingly going along well enough and then plunged into a scary darkness of the unknown. No guideposts, no idea how we’d ever emerge or how long we’d be in this blinding ugliness. No help in sight. No turning back. Alone with each other, moving forward only on faith much of the time, hoping for the best, and fearing the worst.
Right now life is sailing along on the sunny side, and I am doing my best to enjoy it and live in the present, not gripping onto the terror of the all-too-recent past. The clouds can easily slip back in, but for today all is well.
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A life coach, teacher and writer from western New York, Barb Klein is passionate about helping people create the lives they desire, while honoring and caring for themselves – living life fully even when it’s really hard. Her work has in part been guided by her own personal journey to finding and creating joy in the midst of family pain. Following her own passion, she founded Inspired Solutions in 2013. She facilitates workshops on life transition and retreats on self-renewal in addition to coaching, speaking and writing. Barb is married to her college sweetheart, Tom, and mom to two very special young men. You can read her blog at Wonders and Mysteries and find out more about her services and events at www.barbklein.org and at Facebook: Barb Klein Inspired Solutions
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