For those of you who have been following my story, you know that the last couple of Mother’s Days have been exceptionally difficult for me due in great part to the choice of my adult children to not have much or any relationship with me. When I finally decided to share this information with my blog readers, it took me quite a bit of time to come up with the right words to share how heartbroken I was feeling. I didn’t share this part of my story initially, because I felt like I may be judged and blamed. And honestly, there have been times that I have been. I think the more that someone shares their truth, the more the door is opened for people to form their opinions about who they think you are with no basis in the reality of who you really are. At least that is what I have found as I’ve walked this path.
I now know that I don’t have to defend or even explain myself to those who choose to paint a skewed picture of my circumstances. I understand that when information is shared that is outside of the socially acceptable norm (such as a good mother not having a relationship with their children) some people feel the need to “figure out” what may have happened or what went wrong that created the situation. At times, with all this figuring out, blame and judgment can come along with it. I get it.
Here’s the thing, no one could possibly beat me up more than I have already done myself, but then again no one can ever know the deep soul work that I have surrendered to in order to see how sometimes in life things happen; terrible, hurtful, devastating things that are outside of our control and even our understanding. Even though I have a shattered heart, I know that I am a great mother regardless of the current relationship status with my children.
Writing helps me to heal. So, in honor of Mother’s Day, I wrote a letter to my sons:
I saw you yesterday. Well it wasn’t you but it could have been. Same height, size and shape. The person even walked just like you. I see you often. It makes me do a double take. My heart skips a beat and I feel dizzy. I’m trying to figure out why you would be in the places that that I “see” you; places that you wouldn’t normally be like at the airport for example. It is interesting to me, how lately I have been “seeing” you everywhere. It makes my heart hurt. Really hurt. It breaks my heart when I realize it isn’t you and then I remember that you are choosing to not be part of my life right now. I wish at these moments that I could hug you and that I could experience a good relationship with you again. Then my heart shatters, knowing that right now, it is just not in the cards. If you only knew how often I am thinking of you. How often I wish to speak with you or to text you. I am doing my best to respect the decision that you have made regarding our relationship. If it were my choice, I wouldn’t have such a separation between us.
That’s all I wanted to say today. I love you and miss you.