You Better Lose Yourself

“You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime” – Eminem (more)

So here I am quoting Eminem right? Well I can tell you that this song and its exclamation “Success is my only Motherf’ing option” got me through some really tough days when my son was in and out of the hospital after his mental health breakdown. I would play this song and scream it at the top of my lungs as I drove back and forth to the hospital or to one of the hundreds of treatment team or counseling sessions that he and I attended.

I wanted to lose myself, I wanted to own it.

I didn’t know what the hell had happened or how we had gotten to the place where he was so ill. I was in a constant state of worrying and wondering day in and day out about what would come next, how I could keep him safe and if, despite my best efforts, he would end up taking his own life. Knowing that I had zero control over what was happening, I realized that I wanted to both lose myself and own it.

I did everything that I could think of to be there for my son and to let him know, even if he couldn’t see it and perhaps maybe never would, that I loved him unconditionally and always.

I didn’t want to miss my chance to blow.

I didn’t want to miss my chance to be there for my son even when he didn’t want me there. I lost count on the number of times I drove to the hospital for visitation only for him to tell me that he didn’t want to see me that day. I’d turn around and drive home wondering if I missed my chance, my chance to let him know how much I loved him. My chance to let him know that I was there for him even in those moments when he couldn’t be there for himself. During these dark and difficult days, I wondered constantly if I was missing the opportunity to really show him how loved he was.

Success is my only Motherf’ing option, failure’s not.

I played this verse so many times, if I had had this song on an album (you know that round vinyl thing you’ve seen in the movies), it would have been totally worn out. This was not just my mantra as I supported my son through his crisis and as I worked to support me through mine, it was my lifeline.

The year following my son leaving treatment, I went into an emotional slump. I have to admit that I was a bit surprised by how hard it hit me. The aftermath of the crisis and the continued challenges that followed, threw me for a loop. The fallout was almost more than I could handle. I wanted to run away from my life. I wanted to build a blanket cave and hide. But even as I tried to run away from it all, it all came right along with me.

This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.

I knew that if I didn’t take a long hard look at where my pain was coming from, I’d be stuck in the cycle for the long term. It was critical, in my process, to remove all the blaming and excuses and go deep down into the heart of the matter. I started my own soul excavation work, found some deep-rooted pain points and began the work to learn how to love myself more, to reclaim my life and thrive. I saw this as my chance to once again own it and not let the opportunity slip away.

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