3 things I learned while balancing a career and life crisis

A life crisis hits and for many of us that doesn’t change the fact that we must find a way to manage this challenging situation along with a full-time job, family responsibilities and extracurricular activities. I faced the same set of challenges when my then teenaged son, Josh, quickly spiraled into a mental health crisis. On the work front, my biggest conundrum was assessing how much I wanted to disclose to my employer; second only to trying to figure out what the hell I was doing in that job anyway. As often results when dealing with a complex life situation, I ended up with more questions than answers.

Here’s my story.

While I was working to better understand Josh’s crisis, I also had to decide how much information I wanted to share with my employer. Even though nine months had passed since Josh’s first trip to the emergency room, I had kept silent at work because I believed or wanted to believe that the end of the crisis was right around the corner, and didn’t think a full disclosure was necessary.

Yet, there were other reasons why I wanted to keep this situation quiet.

I didn’t want to risk losing my job. My career was a big part of my identity, having played a prominent role in my life since I was fresh out of college. Being successful in business had always been very important to me, especially because I had struggled so much in school. I felt in some ways that my success would prove that I was smart enough, even if I couldn’t demonstrate that in the traditional grading and test-taking fashion.

As a young business professional climbing the corporate ladder, I had everything going for me.

Balancing a career and motherhood was always somewhat of a challenge, but it was something that I prided myself on being able to do in a way that I felt gave equally to both my family and my job. My career was always the means to an end. What I did for a living directly contributed to what I could do for my children and the life we were living. It directly contributed to how I measured myself as a good mother, equating what I could provide with how well I was able to care for my children.

When Josh’s illness hit, I found myself in the middle of hell.

The equilibrium that I had been able to maintain for so many years was completely thrown off by the fact that my child needed much more from me than the love and care I had been providing. Shifting the balance to provide more support was not in question, but maintaining some type of work and life balance proved difficult. It took a long time to find my way out of the labyrinth, both as I labored to navigate the mental health system maze but also as I fought to keep my head above water with my obligations to my job. Eventually, I found that I could plan around the timing of the many meetings, treatment team reviews, and medications check-ups and still meet my responsibilities.

Even before this crisis I had been assessing whether or not I was on the right career path. I had lost the passion for my position and the work I was doing. Facing the depth and uncertainty of Josh’s circumstances, I decided that my career, even as it lay in shards on the ground, was going to have to take a back seat to the more pressing issues I was facing, knowing that at some point, I would have to address that crisis, as well. (excerpt Closer to Paradise: A Mother’s Journey through Crisis and Healing; Motivational Press, 2016)

Two years later, I found myself in a place where I had no choice to but address that crisis. In the end, I walked away. It was a decision that, while not right for everyone, was very right for me.

While I didn’t come up with all the answers as I worked to bob and weave through my son’s crisis, I did learn a few important things:

1. What feels impossible is often possible. When I found myself in the middle of this health emergency, my first thought was “there is no way I can do this.” And yet, once I stopped resisting what was happening I was able to start putting one foot in front of the other. I found that I could support my son and myself while maintaining my job. It was and still is possible.
2. If you cannot trust your employer to support you through a personal crisis, you are most likely in the wrong company. While there were times when I had to engage my Human Resources department to assist in getting the benefits that the insurance company was working hard to deny me, I never told my direct line of management. To feel so overwhelmed by the situation and not feel like anyone at work had my back was quite telling.
3. You never know what challenges your co-workers may be facing. I remember times when I had to sneak out to my car to take a call with one of my son’s doctors or go to a different floor in the office building so that I could have a good cry without the watchful eyes of my team. While I cannot say for certain what response I would have received if I had been more open about my situation at work. I do know that I am even more conscious and compassionate with those who I encounter on a day-to-day basis because of this realization.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”